A thought stream: looking back and looking forwards.
Hello friend and happy 2020!
I hope that the first month of this new decade has treated you well; that you’ve looked after yourself and not demanded too much. I know I struggle with that.
Honestly, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Though I’m not really writing for anyone but myself at this point, it pains me that I’ve not sat down to write a blog post in so long. So much has happened, so much that I’ve felt inspired and compelled to write about, but alas. Sometimes the world spins a little too quickly for me to document it. That scares me a little. But it shouldn’t. I’m working on it.
So what has happened? A lot, both in my own little universe, and the big wide world around me. To summarise:
- I moved 3400 miles from home, to the wondrous region of Niagara-Buffalo, where America and Canada meet.
- I completed a semester at the University at Buffalo, New York.
- I travelled to new places, met new people, saw lots of new things and had a lot of new conversations.
- I took photographs, videos, wrote poems, painted.
- I tired myself out, and realised I couldn’t do every single thing I wanted to every single day.
- I watched, from afar, the election unfold in the UK, and cried at the results.
- I vowed to keep studying and writing about political issues.
- I discovered that a much-loved family member of mine and long-time Conservative voter switched Labour, for the NHS, for us.
- I visited a lot of different museums and read a lot of words.
- I watched Trump get impeached and then, nothing change.
- I returned to the US, shortly before the UK left the EU.
- I learnt, a lot.
All in all, the months comprising the end of the 2010s and the beginning of the 2020s were turbulent, memorable, and gave me a lot of food for thought. Many of these things I still intend to write/blog about.
I also started writing some reflections on the previous decade and hopes for this one, but I won’t share those here. One thing I will say, however, is that I’m learning to say ‘no’. It’s funny, because I’ve heard many an inspirational quote banded around about saying ‘yes’. Just say Yes! Agree to things, go for things, go out and grab life by the horns. think there’s even a film about a guy who can only say Yes to things (Yes Man?) but I haven’t seen it. Anyway, it’s a nice sentiment, and probably a valid aspiration for some people, but I’ve realised it’s not for me.
I say Yes to a lot of things. It’s given me some pretty exciting experiences: I signed up to study abroad at the last minute; I applied to be an au pair in Corsica on an impulse a few summers ago; I signed up for a fundraising hitchhike from Sheffield to Croatia. Even my current relationship was entered quite impulsively. Because, why not? The thing is, sometimes there is good reason not to do things. And that’s something I’m still learning. Not having the confidence to say No has led to some difficult situations, but mainly it has costed me a lot of time and energy. I have realised, and I continue to realise, that I need to put myself first sometimes. Because having the conviction to say No to some things, gives me the opportunity to say Yes to some things I want even more. This applies to everyone, I think, but especially someone with a chronic illness and limited energy.
So, there’s one of my little resolutions, of sorts. And, hopefully, it will enable me to make time to do the things I really want to do, like write more! So stay tuned.
If you’re reading this, maybe it will make you think about whether you want to say Yes or No more. Maybe you already have the balance right. Either way, look after yourself and listen to what you need. Be kind.
Love, Tilly.
